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Profound Challenges in Today’s World of Dating

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No doubt in my mind. The time we live in is a very challenging period of time for men and women dating.  The biggest reason is men and women are complicating what should be a much feel at ease process.  Small talk, seeking enjoyment from one another, having fun and making others feel at ease on a date has taken a back seat to lack of trust, suspicion, false expectations, manipulation to control people, superficiality and lack of faith in the opposite sex.  So how did we get here?  One of the biggest reasons is fractured relationships of a dysfunctional nature, divorce from damaging marital circumstances. Following false media generated images of what the opposite sex should be in the most ideal way that barely four percent of all humans on earth could live up to the image. Once a cycle forms and takes hold for many years it is hard to break.

Take a deep breathe everyone!  There is so much good I can tell you about people who by the way are imperfect.

We need to focus on the power of relational thinking.  Getting deep into a zone of comforting discussion.  What ever happened to sitting on a park bench holding one another and just wanting to say things that make people feel good? Instead of digging deep into strife and turmoil.  If the current trends continue in dating we will see huge numbers of men withdraw with women wondering exactly just where they are.  I can tell you where they are.  Many of them are afraid of you.  Rejection weighs heavy on men these days.  The transition that I am hopeful will happen is men will abandon superficial dating and women will become softer in their tone and attitude about men.  Dating cannot work as an adversarial process.  Human emotions are the driving force in dating.  The prevailing wisdom is emotional decisions drive who we date.  Cognition has little to do with it.  The repression of thinking straight clearly inhibits the ability to understand with greater maturity who is best for you.  Certain emotions will drain all positive energy an affect negatively human performance.  On a date if you can’t perform humanely you don’t show the softer side meaning you are not likeable.  The fact is it is inside us all to be likeable.  We tend to jockey for position instead of having fun, engaging in personality.  Why must we be detectives in dating looking for all that must be wrong?  Why does this have to be the case?  Feelings will dictate engagement in life.  So single folks, what motivates you?  What you may in fact care about has a distorted sense of what will likely make you happy.

Initial cynicism has infected dating.  In the face of lack of trust we lose psychological composure and project ourselves as a less attractive human being.

So I feel as a Matchmaker that attitudes must change.  Humans have formed very sharp opinions much too fast without careful deliberation toward one another.  Forming far more dislikes than likes with people therefore creating more rejection than acceptance in dating. These attitudes are deep inside thoughts and feelings.  I feel these days as professional matchmaker I must work hard to change the culture of dating.  I must show you a better attitude that guides your thoughts and feelings. The art of attitude change is for us all to see the toxicity in dating is wrong and there is another way.  Social experience today involves affective, behavioral and cognitive components.  Do we really feel bad more often than we feel good with each other?  Do we falsely create each other’s stress?  If we do then we naturally want to relieve ourselves from each other’s company.  I often shake my head at human behavior.  I tell my clients I can explain it.  I believe it should change but have little power to do much about it.

So how are we going to change the dating culture?  We agree to learn and relax with those we meet for a date.  If we seek not to be persuasive in a flirtatious way or fun playful way we run the risk of rejection. On the other hand if you are engaging and the other person is just not accepting you fail no matter what.  If you are truly motivated to know the person you date then you will pay attention to the message they are delivering in communication.  My advice is to pay attention to the message and less to the superficial.  This hard for men to do.  Men continue to make visual decisions and the female personality message is lost.  So losing interest much too fast when meeting people is a critical mistake in finding someone to have a relationship with.  Paying attention to anything else other than what your date is saying is a mistake.  The need to process cognitively understanding the personality of who they are with is the best course of action.   Personality is the cement of all relationships.  So it is lasting change in dating is what we need.

Critical to successful matching is paying attention to values.  Value system matching is critical.  Relationships thrive when core values are aligned.  Clarify values, share them with your date and asses the connective value of what you learn from one another.  Get the focus on deep beliefs being aligned.  Another factor is, pick who you date based on how well they treat you and desire to treat you.  Honesty and integrity go a long way in being chosen to share someone’s company.  So then find out just how compatible you really are.  This idea of putting each other on the defensive in suspicious interrogation style questioning will just put people on the defensive being uncomfortable in front of you.

Avoid the pitfalls of mass media.  Mass media has falsely influenced what men and women in image should be.  They persuade you directly outside reality.  Mass media has far too much false influence on the image you should date.  Did you know that blindly you make a lot of dating decisions based on beliefs, values established as fact from media messages when in fact it is opinion with an agenda that may in fact not be in the best interest of men and women?  Putting blind faith in the media these days is a major mistake.  Image has been imposed on you by media.  In many cases false images of ideal men and women or false images in a negative way about men and women.  Try to think deep inside your own mind.  Go with who treats you well.  Judge them by actions that match words.

Just something to think about.


John Holt